Friday, June 8, 2012

Becoming The Real UnHousewife

So, I turned 30. Booo, Hiss But before I turned 30, I had a bit of a revelation. I didn't like the person I was. The person I was, and the person I had hoped to be at this age, were not the same in my psyche. But if you asked me what it was that I wanted, and didn't have, it was all career/success driven. The family, love and health sectors are doing pretty good.

Who can say they actually own a home with a white picket (ok, rot iron) fence, married (some days happily but hey who's counting), wonderful beautiful child, SUV and luxury car in the drive way and every electronic gadget they want? All at the age of 30 and all because they did the work to get it? Not many. 

However, does that define who I am? 
Material things. The roles that I play for other people. Do they make me, well, Me? 
All my life, I lived for other people. I was strong for my mother through her broken relationships and financial troubles. I have worked and saved to pay bills to help my family, since I was 14 years old. 
Until I became a wife, then I was the supportive partner that helped her King build his Empire.
Then, I became a mother and role model for another human being that will one day grow into a woman. For the rest of my family, I am the "smart" one. The first one to got to college in all the generations before me. The "good" girl. The one who at every family function carries a book in her hands and finds a corner. Loves classical music, ballet, dance, and art.
Now, I love these people. More than anything in the world. But I am not happy being defined in the roles, of the play, on the stage, that they have created for me. 

Sure. I am a mother, daughter, wife, niece, scholar and hopefully, future law student. But that doesn't mean I can't curse, love hip hop, want a drink every now and then and have a lot to say that you JUST might not like. When I turned 30, I realized this. I am ALL of these roles. I do LOVE all of those things. But there is more to me. More that everyone does not see. 
What influenced this Jaz'min "The Real UNhousewife" Renaissance?
A Junior High/High School friend of mine has started a wildfire creating a blog around just how different it is to be a mom that JUST MAY HAVE MOMENTS THAT THEY DON'T COMPLETELY love BEING A MOTHER and That's OK. She writes about moving to a new country and joining a tight knit community, but although it may be exciting in EAT. PRAY. LOVE. In reality, you are going to have UPS AND DOWNS, THERE MAY BE PEOPLE THAT DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU and that's OK.
The strength it takes to be unyielding to the main ideas that surround us, the ROLES that people paint for us, and guess the f@ck what? That is F@CKING OK! You can still love, you can still be strong, you can still survive by just being who you are. What the heck? What a thought. She might be on to something, thank you @CrazyBabyMomma. 
A good friend told me I had no filter. I just let what is in my head come out around this person because I am comfortable with them. And I like who I am with this person. I liked who I saw. My husband noticed recently, "Babe, you laugh more. I like that. You don't laugh a lot." That is sad, because I am goofy as hell. Everyone, doesn't see my fun side unless my shell comes down for you. I think a lot of shit is funny but sometimes. I don't laugh out loud. I am conscious that others may not think it is funny, or they may think ill of me for laughing at it. And finally, a dear dear friend of mine that passed away last year told me, days before her tragedy, "You are a good mom, everyone can see that. She will see that. You will never stop being that. You can't let your fears of how others will view you stop you from being you. You have already superseded your [past experiences with your mother] you will be different. You are already different. You have to reach your true potential and make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy."
I received that message during lunch on a work day, the next day at work, the news was, that she died. I needed to hear that. That was my angel. 

So, this long ass post (you know you were thinking that) is to say, that, I no longer want to be defined as a "Legal Momma" which is my professional industry and my role as a mother. I no longer want to be defined as a "Wife" because I am more than that. I am outgrowing hiding behind the shadow of those roles. I cherish them ALL, but they are not ALL that I am. I am Real. (I used to be only in my head, but now, I am out loud (wooo scary, hide yo kids, hide yo wives....OK back to being serious, eh emmm) 
And I am nobody's housewife, hell, I WORK my ASS off. 
(no offense to housewives, your job is very difficult, caring for others is hard work, which is the reason I can't do it. There is no job as hard as that one.) It's just that, I am me, I love my career (worked hard enough to get it) and my success finale' needs to be  un·a·chiev·a·ble. WHY? So I can always reach to get there. I never want it to be a "there." Because there are no limits to our potential.

WARNING: it will be me Raw and Uncut version.

If you don't like it, don't read it.
If you are interested... come on. 

If I am to share this journey as I have so far with all of you. I am going to do it as the real me. There are some things you may not like, that I will say. There are some things that may be a bit harsh, or peculiar, but that is OK. It's art. My creative outlet. It is supposed to invoke emotion. 

Disclaimer: Don't comment about what I may say about my job, family or if something I say may affect my chances of entry into law school. Thanks for caring, but I don't. My job is fine. They tried to replace me with three people and they all quit. I am good as hell at my job and I love my attorneys like family, so I'm good there. As far as my family, I have blocked the grandmas and underaged ones. The others can learn what they haven't known and enjoy it. As for law school, all of the law schools I have interviewed with have told me that they are looking to increase the diversity of their programs, they are looking for people like me with life experience and interesting discussion and if there is one thing I have, it's interesting discussion. And guess what, if being me and expressing myself means that no law school wants me in their ranks, then maybe that is not my journey. I'm 30 now. So I have to be me. The Real Unhousewife.

Follow: @realunhousewife
Email: realunhousewife@gmail.com


1 comment:

  1. I absolutely love this post! And I love you!-Tammarin

    ReplyDelete