LSAT Here I Come! Well, The First Time Anyway...

So here I am. The night before the horrendous dreaded LSAT exam. All of my days, weekends and nights that I "should" have been studying are rushing back to me now. Playing in my head like bad film noir.

Joel Cairo: You always have a very smooth explanation...
Sam Spade: What do you want me to do, learn to stutter? - The Maltese Falcon

I have always despised standardized testing. (Check out this article, "How Standardized Testing Damages Education" but I digress) Since the PRE-SAT in high school, I have been punished with testing jim-jams. I was never one to perform poorly grade wise, but always seemed to flop in a room of wooded desks, number 2 pencils and nervous energy. This is my past experience but it does not have to determine my future.

The essence of my fear is without root. Going into this mess, I assured myself that I would go at this as a challenge. Only to see if it was possible. Only to see if I could excel at this exam and get into a reputable law school. I have a career. I have a current method of making money. (Which is ultimately what we all strive for I would think, especially in this economy.) I have dreams and other plans to implement in my life that would allow me to succeed without furthering my education beyond what I have already accomplished. This is all just for "fun". (emphasis on the quotations around fun)

To curb my anxiety further, I have convinced myself that I can always take this exam one more time. Although, I have read several publications alluding to the statistic, many that take the exam more than once gain nothing more but a point increase equal to or less than 5. 5 is better than nothing, besides I don't even know what my score will be to know if this will even be enough or needed to get me where I need to be. The idea to keep in mind above all is that I cannot be fearful or anxious about something that has YET to manifest itself. I owe myself the decency to try my best.

How it all will work out, the future will tell. But I know in the forefront of my being that I am very proud of myself. If anything for getting this far. I have studied for 6 months, while working full time, raising a child and being a wife. Just brushing my teeth in the morning is an accomplishment some days. Thanks for the support to whoever reads this thing. And until we meet again...

A little of this and A little of that

A little bit of mommyhood...

My daughter told me, "I'm sorry, Mommy." this morning. A smile gleamed gracefully across my face. I asked, "Why?, Hunny". "You change my diaper, Mommy. I'm sorry."

A light bulb went off. You see, I tried to change her diaper last night and was pleasantly welcomed with a 30 minute kicking, screaming, fist pumping, red-faced tantrum. As usual and as I read in Parenting Magazine, I stood by and let her have her tantrum giving her a gentle back rub and quietly calming her down. I am used to it by now. So, imagine my surprise when my little 22 month old remembered overnight to tell me she was sorry for her actions. So cute and so needed. That sorry covered me for the past 2 years, including the pain she caused me during childbirth. That sorry may have at least carried me till she's 4 or 5.

A little bit of law student...

While assiduously studying my LSAT prep books, the reading comprehension drills beckoned me to develop my vocabulary. Something fun (Ok, so I know I'm a nerd for thinking this is fun) is that I actually learned some new words. I thought I would share them with you. Here they are...

Lit-to-ral (adjective)
1. Of or pertaining to the shore of a lake, sea, or ocean.

Ach-ro-mat-ic (adjective)

1. Optics (a) free from color. (b) able to emit, transmit, or receive light without seperating it into colors.

Af-fa-ble (adjective)
1. pleasantly easy to approach and to talk to; friendly; cordial; warmly polite
2. showing warmth and friendliness; benign; pleasant

im-bibe (verb)

1. to consume (liquids) by drinking; drink

2. to absorb or soak up, as water, light, or heat

3. to take or receive into the mind, as knowledge, ideas, or the like

Shut Up Willis: LSAT Update Part II

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

It has taken me 2 months to get enough time to actually take a full length practice test. This took major maneuvers, People. I had to get a baby sitter for 4 hours. Get ink to print the damn thing. Take a mountain of vitamins and herbs to have enough energy to last through it, but I made it.

I climbed the mountain top to my first LSAT score. A wonderful incredible amazing magnanimous.....(drum roll please).... 143.

Isn't that just precious. Boy, I have work to do. I'm not soooo worried about it, given that I haven't even finished the first workbook and I am only getting 1 hour of study time per night. I try and study on lunch breaks but I am getting totally discouraged on bringing my LSAT book to work. Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of several negative comments from the peanut gallery.

It is so interesting how negative energy works. It spreads like venom. And much like venom when someone is infected with it, the most desirable action is the urge to purge that negativity from themselves, which may include spewing it upon others. When certain beings see me, they see a working wife and mother with a young child and grown lady bills. People also see a African American woman with a good career opportunity and a semi good head on her shoulders. Which is great. However, that also means that I am often mistakenly misunderstood to be "stretched too thin" and "incapable of getting better" which means I should be concerned with "not f&%*%ing up what I already have".

I say all this to say, that when I tell people of my ambitions to attend law school it is NOT often met with a supportive ear. It is most often met with a look of confusion, pity and condescending staring. I have received this from family, friends and most especially, people at the firm.  What people don't know about me, is that precise treatment, fuels my fire.

Honestly, I wouldn't be where I am today, if I listened to the Nay-Sayers. If I played it safe, I wouldn't have a lovely family, degrees, great career path or the house with the white picket fence (well, it's white metal but who's counting). When I think about it, I have the American Dream already, living it. But I want more. I never want to be stagnant in my education, my development and my success. I decided that a long time ago that I was never going to be JUST satisfied. So, I will always strive for more. For myself and my family.


But before I shut up the negative Natalies and storm the halls of law school, I have to pass this damn LSAT with a MUCH better score than a poo poo 143. So.......babysitter anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

[Figure] It Out: LSAT Update

As an update: I did not receive the scholarship. [Insert boos and hisses here] I was very disappointed and then immediately afraid wondering how I was going to now pay for this LSAT prep course that everyone says is so important to my success on the test. I am a full time working mother and my husband owns his own business. We have one solid definite income and a second not so solid variable income. Sometimes the variable comes in big packages and other times not so big. So it is very difficult to budget in any extras.

So my brain went into hyper-speed trying to figure all this out. Then, here it comes...the mom-guilt sets in. In the spirit of all things paralegal I research my options: I first considered the Blueprint Prep Course (because of it's pricing and lackadaisical approach) but the reviews I read on Yelp and amongst friends tells me their reputation is not so good. Considering my need to be home with the little momma at night, an online course may be the way to go, it is the cheaper option as well. Testmasters, Powerscore and Princeton Review also have online options. If anyone reading this has any opinion on these programs please let me know!  So I may be saved. Maybe.

Should I even be pursuing a law degree? Am I being selfish even thinking of putting my family in this kind of debt and strain? Do I even think I can make it into law school? Is being a paralegal enough? Should I just wait around for the increase in pay and benifits of my career as it is and just be satisfied with that? I feel like my brain is going to explode. And as any other paralegal would do, I began to research. What other programs are out there? How can I decrease my costs?

As far as my dream in it's entirety, I have decided to keep moving forward as of now. I called my hubby at lunch and he reminded me that my pursuit of law school will help my family's situation in the bigger picture. (God, I love that guy.) Being true to myself and pursuing my dream is what will make me a better person and in turn a better mother. I think.

The quote below was snagged from one Star Jones, Esq's blog:

"You are either ON the way or IN the way...so either way...time to keep it moving! No one every moved on to the next level by standing still. The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible."

So another day in the pursuit of perfection.